I Suck - Life Update

I do, I really really do.

I told myself that I was going to update this blog at least once a week, and now look.

But anyway, a lot of stuff has happened since the last millenia I wrote something here. Like.. We had to give the guinea pigs away, we got two kittens, one of them died and then we got a puppy.

The puppy is mine and his name is Isaac. You can see quite a few pictures of him on twitter because I am obsessed and I've posted a lot of them there.

Also, my grades have hugely improved. I could get into Honors next year yay!

And one of my best friends and I are planning on seeing universities this summer so if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, feel free. We need them.

Anyway, life has been insanely good. I cannot even remotely complain.

When I read back on how my life was when I started this blog and writing this now... wow, it doesn't feel that long ago.... and it's not really... but so many changes have been happening to me.

I feel like I'm more confident and sure about myself than how I was and the fibro isn't even practically a part of my life anymore.

Things have been pretty good.

Hopefully they'll stay that way for the forseeable future.

- Merzy

Life Update - New Pets:

I know, I know. It's been.. a long ass time. And I apologize.

I don't really have a good excuse either, like my life has just been either too boring to write anything or too busy to do the writing.

Okay, so the point of this post is (other than the fact that it's been weeks since the last one) is that a few days ago a new member of my family was added:

Rory

and

Matthew

The reason why Matt's photo is that great is because he's terrified of me right now and won't let me come closer and he'll hide in his hole. 

(Because we bought Matt yesterday and Rory on Thursday) 

I've never had pets before, except for a dog when I was younger but it was very brief, and these little fellows are mine. Completely mine and my brother's. Their cage is in my room and they wake me up in the middle of the night and I worry about them when I'm at school - basically I feel like a mom already.

These past few days. the majority of my life consists of feeding them, checking up on them, trying to pet them and just watching them because omg adorable. lol

Anyway, I love them to death and if any of you have any tips on taking care of Guinea Pigs and stuff, please leave them in the comments below because I really am a newbie. 

Thanks for reading and tell me what I should write about next time because I'm in a loss. 

xoxo, 

- Merzy

Top Youtubers That Have Changed My Life:

As some of you know, I have a very obsessive personality. When I start liking something I don't just like it, I become obsess with it. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you how annoying it actually is. But whatever. The point is, for so long books, movies and tv shows are what helps me escape my everyday life and constant stress (and I'll talk about them another day), but now it's Youtubers. These people not only make me laugh, but they've also changed my life is different ways:

• Marzia Bisognin (Cutiepiemarzia): 

Marzia made me realize that you don't have to dress like everyone else. She made me come to terms with my own style and what I want to portray about myself through my clothes. She was also the first youtuber/fashion guru I subscribed to and she introduced me to the world in a way.

•  Kalel Cullen (WonderlandWardrobe): 

Kalel was the second beauty guru I subscribe to. She made me realize that it's okay to have different styles and mix it up sometimes. She also taught me that a girl can like anime, pokemon and superheroes and still be 'girly'. I love her and it makes me super upset how much hate she gets for her past. It frustrates me because she's such an amazing person and I'll always admire her.

• Felix Kjellberg (Pewdiepie): 

"Ha-ha-how's it going bros?" Pewdiepie is definitely the source of my laughter. I find him hilarious and I will forever be proud of being part of the ever-growing bro army. If you didn't know this amazing person is the most subscribe channel on Youtube and it could not go to a better guy! Felix taught me that it's okay to just be yourself and not take things too seriously.

• Dan & Phil (danisnotonfire & amazingphil): 

The reason I'm putting these two together is because they go together; you cannot have Dan without Phil or Phil without Dan. You just can't. Anyway, these two taught me that you are never alone, even if you feel you are, you never actually are. That you are not a failure just because you don't go to college or you're not super smart. They always make me smile when I'm having a bad day. 

• Hank & John Green (vlogbrothers): 

Hank and John Green not only help me pass my grades but they also teach me countless of life lessons. From John's deep philosophical "meaning of life" speeches to Hank's analytically "The universe is bigger than you" videos,  The Vlogbrothers help me get over SO many huge moments in my life and I am forever grateful to them for that. They've taught me so many things, I cannot even begin to explain. 

And Finally... 

• Carrie Hope Fletcher (Itswaypastmybedtime): 

 Carrie Hope Fletcher is definitely the one youtuber that has left the most impact in my life. Because of her, I started this blog. She taught me that you can be nice without expecting anything in return, that people like that still exist. When I'm feeling down about myself, I go to her videos to remind myself that there are people like Carrie in this world. Most, if not all, of the hope I have now is because of her. I'm forever grateful for that.  

xoxo,

- Merzy

My jumbled up thoughts:

There are moments, like any other, where you feel alone and scared. When you feel numb and like your floating in mid air and no one bothers to catch you. 

Sometimes there is no reason why. It just comes and goes like the rain here. One second it could be sunny and the next it's raining a hurricane. It doesn't make any sense.

I don't know how to feel half the time. Sometimes I'm happy and okay and other times I'm not. And I try to figure out why but I just... don't know. 

There are moments where I'm supposed to be sad or worried but I'm not... I don't feel anything. Or I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel.

Life is so much pressure. 

Everyone expects so much out of you. 

No wonder everyone doesn't know who they are; they're being buried alive by the sea of people telling them what they should and shouldn't be. 

Don't you ever feel invisible? Like in the middle of a crowd but no one can see you? 

That's how I feel sometimes.

Other times though, I'm happy with my friends. I'm positive and I believe there's good in the world. And I wish I could be that way all the time; the person with so much hope and wonder of the world. 

But sometimes... I'm not.

I'm sad for no apparent reason and it frustrates me. I want to be able to control how I feel...

But then... I wouldn't be human, would I?

Feelings, emotions, confusion, frustration, hope, awe, love; all of the things that makes us human. 

I honestly don't even know where this is going anymore. I'm sorry. 

"My thoughs are like stars I can't fathom into constellations."

- Merzy

Update: Perfect Uni!

In these last following weeks, I've spending my time either at school, studying, sleeping or researching for universities. And in that long search of way too expensive or way too demanding schools, I found the perfect one for me: Bridgeport University.

It is literally perfect for me.

It's in the Conneticut, It's medium-sized and I can do a major in Literature And Civilazition which includes History, Creative Writing, English Lit and Philosophy with a minor (or double major) in psychology. 

I have yet to find another university that offers this. 

And I can say without a doubt I will be going to this school in 2015. (Obviously I have other options like NYU but this university is mine, I can feel it)

Anyway, aside from that I'm planning to take the College Board in October (maybe, still not sure) and honestly I've had no time at all to be online, except for now at almost 2 am. 

My fibro has been taking its toll on me sometimes by the end of the day my fingers and knees start hurting, but it's nothing I can't really handle. 

And this year, my class will be in charge of the school's talent show and I will probably be in charge of the script and stuff which I'm excited about it...

And... I don't really think there's anything else...

Oh, aside from Anime and my obsession with youtubers ;)

xoxo,

- Merzy

Update:

I'm not sure why but this year I feel much more confident and focused.

Maybe it's because it's the first week and my motivation will wear off. But, I don't know.

I don't feel like it's that way. 

I'm participating more in class and in extra-curricular activities... I'm motivated to do well for College.

Mainly because it feels so close and I'm feeling the pressure and I know I will regret not participating more outside of class when it comes to applying for college. 

A lot of people tell me I'm too optimist or idealist for thinking (or rather hoping) everything will go according to my plan... But I can't help it. I've always been this way! 

It comes naturally and I'm thankful for that. 

Anyway, this was a boring update. Sorry about that. Nothing much have been happening at all except school and my constant drowsiness. 

I'm going to make an actual post about something soon, I promise! I'm just lacking creativity about to write about! 

Feel free to message me or comment about what should I write about next! Maybe you need advice or something! 

xoxo,

- Merzy

Update: New School Year

Two days ago, I started my junior year of high school. And I don't think it's really sunken in yet. That I have two years left or that I will have take The College Board test in months. But I try not think about it to be honest. 

Anyway, this year they decided to mix the students. 

To understand what a huge change this is, I have to explain how they used to do things in my school: One grade, two classes: M and N. The kids in M are different from the kids in N and they usually don't interact even though they're in the same class (especially if you're as antisocial as me and my friends are). Now, they've decided they would mix people, some who used to be in N are now in M and whatever. 

I've been with the same class for ten years. Ten years, people. Ten years. 

And now, they expect me to interact with some of these people who I hate and don't trust at all. 

They separated me from two of my best friends.  

It sucks. 

But I've been slowly getting used to it.

I'm planning to make a club or a newspaper or something, so I can have at least some extra curricular activity that I can put in my college application. 

As for right now though, the stress hasn't been getting to me and I haven't had any pain or anxiety attacks. Thank god. 

Aside from that, nothing much has been going on. 

Yeah... I'm sorry this is really boring, I don't really have any articles planned out... which I probably should... 

xoxo,

- Merzy

Anxiety: What it feels like and what it looks like.

These past few weeks or so, I've asked people on tumblr if they suffer from anxiety attacks to describe them to me or if you've seen someone suffer from them to describe what they look like. The reason for this experiment was to see how anxiety affects people and how they react to it. 

What really sparked the idea in my brain was the anxiety attack I had a few weeks ago. My mom had a bad coughing fit and threw up in front of me, apparently it was the first time I've seen vomit so vividly or whatever and I had an attack after the danger was over. It came as a complete surprise to me because even though I've had anxiety attacks before, it wasn't for something as mundane as vomit! It was more of a panic than anything; I didn't know why my body was shaking, why I wasn't moving and why I started crying. It was scary. 

Which made me think;  how do others react? Is it the same? Is it worse?

But more than that, it made me think about the people who see it happening. What do they think? How do they react? And how does it affect them? 

SO! Without further or do, here's what people said:

Obviously, these were just a few of the answers because some I felt were too personal for me to publish and it just didn't feel right. 

I also asked one of my best friends who saw me have an anxiety attack at school to see what she felt or how she saw it and all. She said that I was crying histerically and she felt helpess and didn't know what to do. 

Which I completely understand, because I would react the same if reverse. 

The reason for this is to remind people that if they suffer from anxiety, that they are not alone. At all. You have so many people who have these attacks and it breaks my heart. I was reading these and I remember almost crying because of how heartbreaking it is for people to suffer like this. 

And I know what it's like and it's not pretty. It makes you feel like shit and you feel like you can't control your body or your emotions, and it sucks! I'm upset that some people just brush it off as "feeling nervous"or "just being afraid". No. It's SO much more than that! And if I can help in any way to raise awarness about it by doing this, then I will! 

If you have any stories about your anixety attacks that you would like to share, feel free to email or message me on tumblr! 

PS. All you have to do is breathe, darlings. That's the thing about anxiety attacks, they always pass. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 30

And finally...starting at your toes and working up to your head, name each part of your body and how your illness had affected it, followed by something you like about that part of your body. 

• Toes - Well, they hurt sometimes and I get cramps. 
• That part between my ankle and my knee, I forgot. (I'm an idiot, sorry.) - My bone there hurts like hell. Seriously.
• My knees - These are possibly the worst pain I get. They get weak when I stand or walk, they shake and hurt like hell. 
• My thighs - I don't know, it's not my favorite part of my body. It's possibly my least favorite. It doesn't hurt though, so that's something.
• Hips - They hurt really bad. Especially when I'm walking a lot, it's bad. 
• Stomach - I get bad stomach-aches sometimes. And I don't really like my stomach either, I have a bit of chubby there and yeah.. I'm insecure about it. 
• Waist - I really like my waist because of the figure and I don't know. I hurt in my waist as well, obviously.
• Chest - It gets hard to breathe when it hurts and especially when I get my anxiety attacks. And my heart beats like 100 times faster. 
• Shoulders - When I get tense, I definitely feel it there. It hurts just as much as the rest of my body.
• Back - Ugh, my back. It hurt so badly when I'm in my period, like it's agonizing. 
• Elbows - They also hurt like hell. I don't know what else to say. They hurt. 
• Wrists - UGH. They hurt like fuck. They are the worst. It's difficult to write when they hurt.
• Fingers - When they hurt, they hurt like hell. My bones there feel like they're twisting and turning, and ugh it's not pretty.
• Neck - My neck and collarbone hurt like hell too. I feel like I'm repeating myself here.
• Face? Head? - well.. I get a super bad migraine. 

WOOOO It's done!

Oh no, now I actually have to think about what I'm going to post. 

Which by the way, I have an idea about my next article. It's kind of a bit of an experiment of sorts. If you follow me on tumblr, you might know where I'm going with this:

If you've suffered from an anxiety attack, describe to me how it feels like or if you've seen anyone suffer from anxiety attack, describe to me how it looks like or how you felt while watching it happen. You can either send it to me to email or send a message by tumblr (on anon or not, you're choice). 

So yeah, hopefully you'll tell me your experiences and help me to do this article. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 28 & 29

Name 5 things you've achieved despite your illness:

I wish I could say something cool like run a marathon or something but I think it's writing in class. I know it sounds pathetic but it's a real struggle when the pain hits me and my fingers start shaking. 

I can't name more things because I can't think of them. sorry.

What has helped you cope with the stress of this lifestyle?

I haven't handle it very well to be honest, I've suffered from anxiety attacks ever since being diagnosed. 

But my best coping mechanism is talking to my best friend and trying to relax by meditating. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 27

What's the most helpful advice you've have had?

I don't know honestly... 

Possibly, the one my psychologist gave me when I first got diagnosed which was to write when I had a flare or started feeling stressed or something. 

It really helped. It was something I would have probably done eventually but I was glad she encourage me to do it because it's help a ton.

xoxo, 

- Merzy

"Struck by Lighting" | The Movie That Changed Me:

"Struck by Lighting" is an indie movie directed, written and acted by Chris Colfer (Yes, that guy from Glee). He tells the story of a senior boy named Carson Phillip who was killed by lighting in his school's parking lot. That's not the whole story though, the main character wanted, more than anything, to become the editor of The New Yorker, go to his dream university and win a Nobel Prize. We obviously know he doesn't reach any of his dreams because he dies in the beginning, so where's the real story here?

This movie isn't a depressing, sad-telling of a boy with big dreams that didn't accomplish them because death struck too early. No. This movie is an inspiring, life-changing experience that teaches you how to live life. To dream and to have goals. To have that determination, to want to do something and not give up on it.

He may have not accomplished what he wanted to, but... he inspired others to think and write and feel. And in the end... He was happy with it! He was really, undeniably happy with what he accomplished. He got people to think, to write, to experience life in another way and to cherish it.

I know a lot of people would think the message of this movie was to live your life as quickly as you could because it would be over before you knew it (YOLO and all). But no. That's not it at all.

He didn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, he didn't have wild sex, he didn't party. That's not it.

It's reaching a goal that seemed near impossible and inspiring other people by doing it. It's dreaming and hoping for a better future, not just for yourself but for everyone else.

I've always been afraid of dying before my "time". Because I want to do something, I want to be remembered for hundreds of years by my writing like Shakespeare or any other famous author. I want to live my life as I want it to be and not how I'm living it right now, stuck in one place with hundreds limitations. I want to make a difference and to be recognized by making that difference.

But I've learned, by this and other books and movies, that making a difference or inspiring someone else isn't something that always gets said. It's not always something that gets recognition or fame. It's a little thing, like making someone smile or saying hello or maybe even making this blog and writing this, that could change someone's life or maybe even save it. 

And you should be happy with that. Because if not... then you don't truly want to help someone else, you just... don't want to fade away. 

But I've learned that you don't fade away, not really. 

Now, I know a lot of  people say that you're going to be ash and someone will forget you, It'll be like you never existed in a hundred years or so. And that's true. 

But depending on your beliefs and what you think happens when you move on... I don't think it really matters. 

Not everyone will know who you were, that's true, but someone did. Someone is glad you're alive. Someone is grateful that you are. And maybe someone is grateful that I made this blog and update it daily. Maybe I made someone's day or made someone smile or maybe even saved someone's life. Have you ever thought of that? That maybe that one passing smile you gave someone that one day in that one place, that you didn't even think twice about... it changed someone else's life. 

And maybe if it's not true, it's nice to think like that. It's nice to do nice things just make other people happy. 

It's a nice way to live. 

At least, that's what I think.

Regardless, you should all see this movie because it is amazing and I will guarantee that it will change your life.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 26

What impact has this had on your friends, family, partner, etc?

You would have to ask them, to be honest. Because I don't know. 

From what I can tell, my parents are the most impacted because they have to take me to doctors, give me the medicine, tolerate me and everything. I'm not saying I'm this burden to them or anything, because they want to do those things. But I don't know if that's a negative or positive impact. I think it's neutral, you just have to deal with it. 

I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly.

I don't think there's a significant impact on anyone because they're not the ones dealing with it. 

I don't know...

I've never asked them before. So maybe I should do that.

xoxo, 

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Days 22 - 25

(Yes, I know. I'm awful and I already failed at this challenge. Four days without posting it. Damn. To be honest, I have no good excuses like 'oh i was busy' or 'oh, i was having a social life'. I wasn't. The truth is, my laptop isn't cooperating and... I was lazy. Again, I'm awful. Btw, I'm doing this on mobile which is why I can't edit the fonts and stuff. On to the questions!)

- How do you feel you have been treated by the medical system?

I think fairly well. Better than others certainly. And while my doctors may get under my skin a lot, they do try to be gentle and understanding to me as possible sometimes.

- What do you say to yourself when you need a pep talk?

I have to say when I get into my moods most of the things I say to myself are not good things. I tell myself I'm stupid or weak or pathetic,etc. But I also try to tell myself I'm not alone and maybe talk to my best friend or something. Or I write in my journal or something. And then it goes away.

- Have you managed to juggle your social life with your illness?

Ha ha what social life?

Kidding. Mostly.

The thing is my lack of social life during the summer has next to nothing to do with my illness so... I'll say I've been juggling with it fairly well.

- Name 5 activities you have pursued despite being ill, and 5 activities you would have never pursued if you wouldn't have become ill:

For the first five things, probably writing and reading. It has become considerably harder but I've been trying to do it.

I wish I had more to say but I think that's it.

And for my second five things, blogging will definitely be number one. Not that I didn't know what blogging what already but it gave me a purpose TO blog. And I've been loving feeling inspired and making myself feel better in a way that I wouldn't if I wasn't ill. It taught me to give myself a break sometimes. And of course, Buddhism and meditation; the clarity of how I see the world and how the world sees me is indescribable.

Xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 21

What networks or websites have you used for support or information about your illness?

When I first was diagnosed, I didn't think there were a lot of teens out there with Fibro. So the websites I read were medical ones that appeared on google or that wikipedia referenced to. 

But then, I thought to go to the Fibro tag in tumblr. And I realized just how many teenagers and young adults there were suffering with fibromyalgia. 

There are countless of tumblr blogs and google+ groups that serve as support groups that have helped me and many others. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 20

Have you met anyone with the same illness as you? Did it help?

I haven't met anyone physically in real life. But I have met some spoonies on tumblr. 

It helped a lot because it made me realize that I wasn't alone and that a lot of other people were suffering the same or worse symptoms that I had. 

And I always like meeting new people that have Fibro and helping them. 

Even now, I like to go to the spoonies tag on tumblr to remind myself that there's so many people out there who are suffering with the same thing. And I like that. I like that I'm not alone.

xoxo, 

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 19

How do you feel about the future?

I'm excited, terrified and hopeful all at the same time.

Literally. 

 I am excited for moving out, living my own life and doing my own thing. But at the same time, I'm terrified of that. And I'm hopeful that it will work out how I want it to.

So... I don't know. I have mix feelings, I guess.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 18

Do you think you have become a better person because through being ill?

Yes. Definitely. 

As I said before, I think I'm more compassionate and emphatic and I can understand others better. 

I want to help others.

I wanted to do that before but  not as much as I do now. I know from personal experience how it feels and I have better motivation to make sure others don't feel the same.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 17

How would things be different if you weren't ill?

Things would be so much different. 

First of all, I wouldn't know what I do now about myself, the world and others around me. I wouldn't be as compassionate and emphatic as I am now. And... I wouldn't have learned everything I did about myself and what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Also, I wouldn't have this blog and I wouldn't have the inspiration to write like I do.

Because as we all know you can't get good things without a bit of bad in between.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 16

What is your favorite inspirational quote?

I actually have a lot of favorite quotes because I absolutely adored them. But my favorite one that I always live by is:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." 

I adore it because it sums up what everyone should do if they want the world and society to change. Don't tell other people to change, change yourself first. If you want to change the world you should start with yourself. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 15

What would you say to people newly diagnosed with this illness?

I would say...

"You are not alone. It's okay to be sad and to hurt. It's okay. I don't think any less of you if you cry. I believe you. I believe your pain is real. You're going to be okay. It's going to be hard and you will have to go through a lot of struggles but you can do it. I'm here if you need to talk to someone or want some advice. Remember, you are never alone." 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 14

Five things you're grateful for:

1. My amazing friends and family: I don't know what I'd be without them and especially to my bestest friend who is my rock and I honestly don't know where I'd be without her.
2. My Readers/aka You guys! People actually reading these make my day brighter, and it means so much to me, you have no idea. It makes me happy that I can actually help people and that others are enjoying my posts. 
3. My books and internet: Without my escape source that is Tumblr, Twitter, My Favorite shows and my books I don't know where I'd be or how sane I would be. You might think I'm exaggerating but I'm not. My books/shows mean so much to me and they help me escape the reality of things.
4. How Lucky I am to not be bedridden or suffer as much as other people. I know that's selfish but I'm glad that I can still do things. I can write and read and see and talk and walk, I'm always going to be grateful for that.
5. My medicine: Everyone should be grateful for the pain killers and anti-depressions and other awesome medical things that make you feel better. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 13

Has your physical illness had any effect on your mental health? 

Yes. Definitely! I think it would be hard for it not to affect my mental health.

I've always been someone who didn't like to complain when I hurt or was sick until it's serious or just plain annoying. And someone who didn't cry in public about themselves, so having fibro was a serious change. 

I've had a lot of situations in which I couldn't do my work or I couldn't walk or I was just in pain and people wouldn't believe me. Um... it's hard. Very hard, actually. I even began to question myself and whether my pain was real or not, because everyone was telling me it wasn't.

I hated it. Still do.

I've had anxiety/panic attacks in which the pain wouldn't stop and I would get extremely frustrated with myself. (as I explain here when I talk about Perks of Being a Wallflower)

I also find it very hard to concentrate in class because of the fibro-fog and I get jumpy. 

And of course, I got depressed often. 

I had to learn a lot about controlling my emotions because when you're always in pain, your emotions get completely hay-wire. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 12

Briefly explain to a healthy person what it is like to live with this illness.

I've actually have a lot of experience with this because I had to make a presentation about fibro on fibromyalgia awareness day and present it to my class. So, this would be easy:

Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that can either come out of nowhere (like with me) or result from an accident or another illness or whatever. You feel general pain in your entire body, fatigue, insomnia and many many more symptoms that varies from person to person. How I feel the pain and the symptoms I have aren't the same as another person with the same condition. It's very subjective and it honestly depends on the person, so you cannot (AND SHOULD NOT) compare other people's pain to yours; it will never be exactly the same, I can assure you of that.

Living with it is hard. Extremely hard sometimes, especially when I'm under loads of stress like at school. It's hard because people don't understand it because they think it's "convenient" for me to have pain when I have to do work. It's not convenient and I feel extremely guilty. I just can't control. 

The pain was very bad for me (still is sometimes) and I can describe it in different ways. 

• There is one sort of pain that is like someone is crunching your bones and pulling them. (usually in the legs or arms)
• The one that feels like a car is running over you or you feel as if you were missing a limb. 
• The one that feels like something is crushing your bones to the point of breaking it (usually in my fingers and ribs).
• And the one that feels like someone is stabbing you with millions of knives. 

So, basically... it's not pretty. At all.

It hurts, both physically and emotionally. People don't believe you and you have to learn to deal with that fact very quickly. Your doctors aren't always understanding and neither are your teachers, parents or any other authority figure.

It sucks. 

But, it wasn't the end of the world. It was extremely hard not to breakdown (and I did sometimes) but I pulled through. 

Hopefully, I will continue feeling better for the new year of school... 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 11

Why do you believe you have this illness? Bad luck, a higher power or something else?

Well, this is a very interesting question actually... I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everyone has a purpose. So I think I was 'meant' to have this illness and go through all of this so I can learn from it and help others. 

I've honestly accepted it. Sometimes I hate it, because I'm human and not perfect, but everything happens for a reason.

I don't it has anything to do with a higher power, it's just how my life is supposed to go. I don't know if you're understanding me here... Basically, I think we're all meant to have the lives we have, because it's our life. 

We shape and form our life how we want it, every choice we make leads us to where we're supposed to go. And I think everything that happens to us, every struggle we go through, is just another obstacle we have to overcome to get to where we want to go.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 10

What little things make your life easier?

• Meditating.

• Thinking good thoughts.

• Talking to my best friend.

• Watching a feel-good movie

Right now my favorite is Kiki's Delivery Service! It's super sweet and happy and adorable.

• Writing in my journal(s)

• Taking a warm shower.

• Reading.

• Writing a little happy thought and putting it in my Jar Of Hopes

• Reading my Wall of Inspiration:

• Be on the internet. (Specifically Tumblr and Twitter)

• And Of course, Blog.

 More than anything, writing here to you guys always makes my day and seeing that people actually read these is more amazing than words could possibly describe. 

xoxo, 

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 9

(very late, I know)

Have you ever tried any alternative therapies? If so, what? Did they work?

Yes! Meditation for me is a fantastic way to treat pain and anxiety! And yes, it does work. I love it. 

At some point, I will also try Yoga and some other stuff but for now meditation is the one for me!

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 8

Where do you see yourself in five years time?

I see myself in college.. possibly living with my best friend in a cozy apartment somewhere in the United States or Canada. Or writing my first novel. Or traveling. 

Hopefully that will be my future. Far away from where I call home and doing what I love to do.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 7

What was the biggest realization you have had? 

This is really hard for me to answer because I have an epiphany practically every single day and they're all important to me. 

But if I had to choose... it would be realizing that I believed in what Buddhism stand for and learning about meditation (which helps me a ton). 

During this time that I've had fibro, I've been self-analyzing myself quite a bit. To the point where I can surely say that I know myself much better than I did before. 

And I'm really grateful for that. 

I know what my true passion and dream in life is now, I know what my purpose is. And I don't think I would have known as clearly as I do if it weren't for all the pain and suffering I had to go through. 

So, I definitely believe that everything you go through is for a reason. You grow from it and learn. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 6

If you could have told yourself something when you first remember these symptoms arising, what would you say?

That it wasn't normal, so maybe I could have gone to the Doctor's earlier but I don't think that would have helped that much to be honest.

So, I don't think I would said anything...

xoxo,

- Merzy

About Religion:

What does it mean to be alive? 

How do you measure your life? 

Is it by the amount of breaths you take? Or the different foods you eat? Or the amount of lives you take or safe? 

At the end of the day, will it matter? 

Are we kept here for a reason or is this just a prison and when we die we escape it?

Is there really a God out there? 

All these questions, yet we're left with little answers. Honestly, I don't think we're even supposed to know all the answers to these questions.

The reason I'm talking about this is because I'm going to talk about religion. It's one of my favorite topics to discuss because of how fascinating it is but I refrain to do so on the internet because... well, you should know why. 

As most of you know, I am a Buddhist. I wasn't always though, I grew up in a very christian family and go to a Catholic school. I never really felt comfortable with it though because I didn't agree with a lot of what Catholicism stand for. And another part of me was extremely rebellious and the more my parents pushed towards it, the more I fought back. 

I am one of those students that asks questions in class. Especially in religion class because the teachers are always (obvious) very biased and so they conveniently wouldn't know the answers to some of my questions like "how come Lucifer punishes you in Hell if you're doing exactly what he wants you to do?" and "All Lucifer did was question God's power, just like we do with governments, what makes him so different from us?" and the whole thing with the commandments about obeying your parents no matter what (which I found it to be quite harsh because what if they abuse you? kids might get confused about it! My teacher didn't agree of course). 

So, you could say I was always quite suspicious and disbelieving about the whole thing.

I didn't like to wait and see what "God's Will" was for me. I wanted to make it my own, I want it to be my choice in the end not God's. 

I know how that sounds like and I'll explain myself. 

I know a lot of people (like my mom) who say things like "It's all in God's Will" or "Let's leave it up to God" and I never liked how that sounded. I know some people use it when you can't possibly do anything else and you have no choice in the matter, I get that. But sometimes people use it as an excuse to give up. And I've never liked it. 

I also believe quite a bit in luck. That most of the world in one giant random machine and there's no specific reason why you got what you got unless you make a reason. 

I think you get the general theme here. 

The thing that I like about Buddhism that isn't in Christianity is that  it's all about you! 

You have the power, you have the choice. It's your life and you make it as you wish to make it. You give it as much meaning as you wish to give it.

I know Christianity is supposedly all about your choice and free will and all, but not really. If you think about it God isn't giving you a choice at all. It's either go to hell or go to heaven. And with the image that Hell is painted as, no one would want to go there. So there isn't a choice at all. 

All I'm saying is that Christianity isn't for me. Maybe the thought of having a higher being protecting you or "watching over you" comforts you. But not me. As always, this is just my opinion, no one has to agree with it.

I'm really happy with what I believe in, and I believe Buddhism is the perfect religion for me. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 5

How does being chronically ill make you feel?

I know I come across as strong and sure of myself because that's how I want you all to perceive me, and I am sometimes like that. But being in pain is never fun. Sometimes all you want to do is just lie there. And that's okay. You don't always have to be strong.

Being chronically ill makes me feel so many things to be honest. I feel the whole spectrum of emotions. 

Sometimes I am glad that I am ill because if I wasn't I wouldn't know myself as well as I do now and I wouldn't have learned as much as I did. But also, I feel like it's all unfair and all I want is for it to go away. And sometimes I don't want it to go away at all.

It's very confusing. So, I honestly don't know how I feel about it.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 4

How have your friends and family reacted to it?

Well, my friends have been very supported and helpful. They listen to me and help me in any way they can. They, especially my best friend, are my rock and I wouldn't be here as okay as I am if it weren't for them.

Now, my family... They have also supported me. But sometimes they aren't as helpful as they think they might be. My dad has arthritis and suffers as much and worse than I do so I thought he could understand, he does sometimes but not always. He hasn't been very helpful at all with school. My mom doesn't get it, she tries to but she just doesn't. They try but they end up being annoying and irritating to me. Which isn't new at all. That's just how I am with my parents. 

But family has never been the source of support or understanding for me ever, so it doesn't surprise me. I rely on my friends more than anything.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 3

How did you get a diagnosis?

I don't remember an exact date but I'm pretty sure it was around April or March. I've been having been the pain since November though. 

Now, I'm pretty sure others who have been diagnosed with fibro know that the diagnosis itself is a long progress because they have cross off every other chronic illness. 

At first, they thought it was arthritis, then lupus, then muscle or nerve weakness and... well, you get the point. 

So, I was quite relieved when I got a diagnosis. 

I went to my current rheumatologist (who I hate) and she did the usual testing and told me what I had. And that's the story.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 2

How have these illnesses affected your life?

I think the question here is how can they not affect your life? 

Your whole life changes, and I'm not exaggerating, it does! Suddenly you feel these pains all around your body, you don't know how you got them and you don't know why.

And people don't believe you about it. 

Now, growing up this was a real issue with me. My parents, specifically my mom, wouldn't believe me when I felt sick or hurt. So, she usually took me to the Doctor's once a whole week or two has passed. So, this was really nothing new for me. Except that it's worse because no one believes you, not even your doctors. And if they do believe you then they're complete assholes about it! 

You have to get used to it. You have to adjust your whole life basically. 

Sometimes you just have to take a whole minute to think "can I make it? will my legs work? can I write this? can my hand do this?" and when you can't do it, it's in all honesty the worst feeling in the world. You feel frustrated with your body and you feel worthless and pathetic. Exactly like I did. And if you're anything like me, when people ask you for help you refuse even though you really actually need it. Why? Pride. 

After that, the pain becomes normal. It's still there, it's always there! Something people often don't get. I'm always in pain. Always. 

And since you're so used to pain being always constant, when people asks you what hurts, you have to sit there for a second to think about it and analyze your own body to see what part of it is hurting. Because "hurting" and "pain" have become normal to you. 

So, basically everything about my life has changed. 

I've had to change the way I live, the way I think and feel and the way I perceive pain. But also, it's changed me a lot as person. I feel like I've grown because of it and know things I wouldn't have known otherwise.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 1

Introduce Yourself. What illnesses do you have and for how long have you had them?

My Name is Mercedes, I'm 16 years old (as you all know).

I have Fibromyalgia and I've had the pain since November of last year. So, I guess for 7 months now... 

Yep. 7 months. Wow. 

(Forgot to mention that because of that I also have occasional anxiety attacks and insomnia/hypersomnia - is that how it's called? i don't know. But yeah, that comes with the territory)

xoxo,

- Merzy

A few things:

Hey, guys! So 2 things:

1. I decided that I'm going to start doing the Chronic Illness 30 Day Challenge starting today! 

Here are the questions so you can do it too if you want!

Most of them I've already answered on other posts but I haven't really gotten into much detail.

2. If you follow me on twitter, you've know that I made a Jar Of Hopes! It's really simple to make and I'm hoping to make it into a little project of sorts.

You basically grab a jar or a plastic bowl or a cup or anything you want really. Write the word "Hopes" on it with marker or whatever and every single day you write on a little piece of paper something inspiring or hopeful; it could be a quote you really like or your goals in life or anything that will help you keep strong and happy. And the point of it is that when you're feeling sad or in pain you pick up your jar and read a random message and you'll feel better. 

It's very easy to do and it will help you in the future! 

Anyway, tweet me or send me a picture of your jar of hopes to see how it turns out and I'll see you in a little while!

xoxo,

- Merzy