30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 3

How did you get a diagnosis?

I don't remember an exact date but I'm pretty sure it was around April or March. I've been having been the pain since November though. 

Now, I'm pretty sure others who have been diagnosed with fibro know that the diagnosis itself is a long progress because they have cross off every other chronic illness. 

At first, they thought it was arthritis, then lupus, then muscle or nerve weakness and... well, you get the point. 

So, I was quite relieved when I got a diagnosis. 

I went to my current rheumatologist (who I hate) and she did the usual testing and told me what I had. And that's the story.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 2

How have these illnesses affected your life?

I think the question here is how can they not affect your life? 

Your whole life changes, and I'm not exaggerating, it does! Suddenly you feel these pains all around your body, you don't know how you got them and you don't know why.

And people don't believe you about it. 

Now, growing up this was a real issue with me. My parents, specifically my mom, wouldn't believe me when I felt sick or hurt. So, she usually took me to the Doctor's once a whole week or two has passed. So, this was really nothing new for me. Except that it's worse because no one believes you, not even your doctors. And if they do believe you then they're complete assholes about it! 

You have to get used to it. You have to adjust your whole life basically. 

Sometimes you just have to take a whole minute to think "can I make it? will my legs work? can I write this? can my hand do this?" and when you can't do it, it's in all honesty the worst feeling in the world. You feel frustrated with your body and you feel worthless and pathetic. Exactly like I did. And if you're anything like me, when people ask you for help you refuse even though you really actually need it. Why? Pride. 

After that, the pain becomes normal. It's still there, it's always there! Something people often don't get. I'm always in pain. Always. 

And since you're so used to pain being always constant, when people asks you what hurts, you have to sit there for a second to think about it and analyze your own body to see what part of it is hurting. Because "hurting" and "pain" have become normal to you. 

So, basically everything about my life has changed. 

I've had to change the way I live, the way I think and feel and the way I perceive pain. But also, it's changed me a lot as person. I feel like I've grown because of it and know things I wouldn't have known otherwise.

xoxo,

- Merzy

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 1

Introduce Yourself. What illnesses do you have and for how long have you had them?

My Name is Mercedes, I'm 16 years old (as you all know).

I have Fibromyalgia and I've had the pain since November of last year. So, I guess for 7 months now... 

Yep. 7 months. Wow. 

(Forgot to mention that because of that I also have occasional anxiety attacks and insomnia/hypersomnia - is that how it's called? i don't know. But yeah, that comes with the territory)

xoxo,

- Merzy

A few things:

Hey, guys! So 2 things:

1. I decided that I'm going to start doing the Chronic Illness 30 Day Challenge starting today! 

Here are the questions so you can do it too if you want!

Most of them I've already answered on other posts but I haven't really gotten into much detail.

2. If you follow me on twitter, you've know that I made a Jar Of Hopes! It's really simple to make and I'm hoping to make it into a little project of sorts.

You basically grab a jar or a plastic bowl or a cup or anything you want really. Write the word "Hopes" on it with marker or whatever and every single day you write on a little piece of paper something inspiring or hopeful; it could be a quote you really like or your goals in life or anything that will help you keep strong and happy. And the point of it is that when you're feeling sad or in pain you pick up your jar and read a random message and you'll feel better. 

It's very easy to do and it will help you in the future! 

Anyway, tweet me or send me a picture of your jar of hopes to see how it turns out and I'll see you in a little while!

xoxo,

- Merzy

Dear Anyone who's reading this,

I feel like I'm only talking to myself here, strangely enough even though I know people read it. 

But still, if you have an issue or a question or just a story to tell. Don't be afraid to tell me or ask me here or just leave a comment down below. 

I want this blog to be more interactive and for you guys to tell me what you want to know and what you guys want me to talk about! 

I love you all!

xoxo,

- Merzy

Dealing with Fibro:

The thing about Fibromyalgia specifically as a chronic illness is that everyone has different symptoms and the level of pain varies from one person to the other. Some people can carry on with their lives like normal while others can barely get up in the morning. 

For me, it depends on how much stress I'm under. Which is why most of my worst episodes happen in school. And now, during the summer, I'm mostly fine.

I'm lucky. 

Some people aren't as fortunate though.

Other Fibro patients suffer so much it honestly breaks my heart. 

Now, I'm no expert. At all. But if I can help any of you who has it hard, I will. So here's a few tips/advice to deal with fibro:

• Try to keep calm. I know it's hard and it hurts but the best advice I can give you when dealing with pain is to close your eyes and breathe. Keep calm and try not to get too caught up in anxiety. (I always like to meditate)
• If you do get an anxiety attack, it's okay. You're not weak. Crying doesn't equal weakness, it took me quite a while to learn that.
• Talk to someone. When you're in pain, tell someone. Tell your best friend or your friend. You might think they don't care but they do. If you don't have anyone, there's always someone out there willing to listen. You are never alone. I'm always here if you need to talk to me, I will always listen. Leave me a little message here if you want.
• And obviously the usual, take your pills at the hour you're supposed to, don't take naps (I break this rule a lot) and be one with the ben-gay.

That's all for my advice, hope it helped somehow. 

I love you all. Never thing you're alone or weak, because you're not.

xoxo,

- Merzy

Books that have changed my life:

• Perfect You by Elizabeth Scott:

"Her father has quit his job to sell vitamins at the mall, and Kate is forced to work with him. Her best friend has become popular, and now she acts like Kate's invisible.
And then there's Will. Gorgeous, unattainable Will, whom Kate acts like she can't stand even though she can't stop thinking about him. When Will starts acting interested, Kate hates herself for wanting him when she's sure she's just his latest conquest.
Kate figures that the only way things will ever stop hurting so much is if she keeps to herself and stops caring about anyone or anything. What she doesn't realize is that while life may not always be perfect, good things can happen -- but only if she lets them.."

This book changed my life because during the time that I was reading it, around eight grade, I seriously needed it. It's a very sweet story about a girl who has a lot of stuff going on in her life and she's dealing with a lot of issues we deal with. I found out very helpful because it help me move on from a particular hard experience I had with some friends. Elizabeth Scott helped realize with her story that friends fall apart and it's not always you're fault, it happens, and they don't deserve you. This book, apart from being super sweet and being able to reread it a bunch of times because I never get tired of it, helped me to grow up. 

• The Faults In Our Stars by John Green:

"Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel’s story is about to be completely rewritten."

Not a big summary on this one! But I bet you all know what this is about, and I'm guessing most of you read it (if not what are you doing? go read it!). There should be no question why this book changed my life; it's just one of those books. It changes people's life.

I read this one last year and it will always be one of those books that you can reread like a billion times and you'll still love and you'll still cry. It's just flawless. It changed me so much! It changed the way I viewed death, the way I viewed illness. It just changed me in general.

I am Augustus Waters, basically. We have the same fears and all, so it was the best journal to read this book and see his character growth. 

• Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

"Charlie is a freshman.
And while he's not the biggest geek in the school, he is by no means popular. Shy, introspective, intelligent beyond his years yet socially awkward, he is a wallflower, caught between trying to live his life and trying to run from it.
Charlie is attempting to navigate his way through uncharted territory: the world of first dates and mix tapes, family dramas and new friends; the world of sex, drugs, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, when all one requires is that perfect song on that perfect drive to feel infinite. But he can't stay on the sideline forever. Standing on the fringes of life offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor."

Now, I got Perks for my birthday. A friend of mine bought for me as a present and the day it arrived wasn't actually on my birthday, it was a week or two after. I was never so glad to receive a present late until this  moment. On this particular day, I was not okay at all. At geometry class we had to do a figure or something and had to use the ruler and it had to perfect. The teacher wasn't in the best of moods either, which effected me quite a bit. My hands were shaking and couldn't hold the pencil. My friends asked me if I needed help but I told them I didn't because I could do it by myself. I needed to. I was so frustrated with myself and my body for not working as it should I cried. I cried and I couldn't stop. I was shaking and had one of my worst anxiety attacks. Right there, in front of the whole class. It was so embarrassing.

The teacher sent me to the nurse with one of my best friends, she talked to me until I could calm down. Then at lunch, she went with me to the classroom to talk to the teacher. The teacher was asking me what happened and all, and I was trying to explain but she just didn't get it. She got mad and told me that I couldn't blame her bad mood. I wasn't. I got mad because she just didn't get it. I started crying again (I loath crying by the way) and headed to the back of the classroom to calm down while the nurse talking with my teacher. I walked over to my seat and found a wrapped present waiting for me. I laughed because I was expecting it. I opened it and there it was; Perks of being a wallflower.

I believe in signs quite a bit, and that right there was such a huge sign from the universe for me. It made me smile and I started to believe that everything was going to be okay.

Now, that was before I even read the book. Obviously once I read it, it also changed me. But not as quite as that small gesture did.

• Looking For Alaska by John Green:

Before. Miles “Pudge” Halter is done with his safe life at home. His whole life has been one big non-event, and his obsession with famous last words has only made him crave “the Great Perhaps” even more (Francois Rabelais, poet). He heads off to the sometimes crazy and anything-but-boring world of Culver Creek Boarding School, and his life becomes the opposite of safe. Because down the hall is Alaska Young. The gorgeous, clever, funny, sexy, self-destructive, screwed up, and utterly fascinating Alaska Young. She is an event unto herself. She pulls Pudge into her world, launches him into the Great Perhaps, and steals his heart. Then. . . .

After. Nothing is ever the same

Yes, another John Green book. This book I read a couple of weeks ago, like a month or something. And it was during the time that I was questioning my beliefs. I grew up with a very catholic family and go to a catholic school, but I never felt like I belonged there at all. I wasn't completely comfortable with a few things and I always questioned them which makes some of my religion teachers quite uncomfortable. So, when I read in this book about the different religions and what each believed in, which believe it or not was not explained in my religion class because, you know, they're being biased and all. It all make me realize how little I know about it. The one that spoke to me the most was Buddhism. I researched about it and I realized this was basically everything I believed in. 

It was a bit difficult to convince my parents I was serious about it but they still accept me. Kind of. 

Anyway, if it weren't for this book I probably wouldn't have become a Buddhist. 

Other than that, this book taught me about death and grief and pain. (Given, it wasn't as good as Faults but I loved it).

...

So those are the books that have changed my life the most! Reading and books are a big part of my life and I'm ever so glad for it. 

They make me realize that life is much grander than how we think it is, that all our lives are stories. We just have to decide who's writing it; ourselves or someone else. 

xoxo,

- Merzy

The Beginning:

For me to tell you my story we have to start from the very beginning; I was born in February 11th, 1997.  I was a lovely, healthy, sleepy baby girl just like any other. 

But I used to suffer from seizures a lot and used to spend a lot of my time in the hospital. One of the medication the doctors gave caused a huge allergic reaction. After that, I was diagnosed with Steven Johnson Disorder. If you don't know what this is, I don't blame you. It's very rare and the chances of surviving it are even more rare. It's a skin disorder. It basically leaves the patient looking like a little monster. At least, that's what my parents tell me. I don't remember it, thank god. 

The point is, don't google it. It's not pretty.

Besides all odds, I survived. 

I'm here, living and okay. 

I'm one of those people who believes in destiny. That everyone is here for a purpose, even if they know or not. 

And the fact that I'm alive right now typing this means something. Something huge. 

Whether you believe in God, any other great unknown force or if simply you don't believe in anything at all because you think it doesn't matter, no one can deny that we are all alive right now for a reason. 

Don't waste it. 

xoxo, 

- Merzy

Introduction:

Hello, loves! 

My name is Mercedes or better known as Merzy, I'm 16 years old and I wanted to make this blog because I need a place to vent and tell my story, however boring it may be, because maybe there's someone out there who's going through the same things I'm going through and maybe you'll find this inspiring or helpful in some way. Hopefully.

I guess I'll start by saying where I'm from. Well, I'm not saying exactly where. Because you know, parents. But I'm from this tiny Island in the Caribbean. My first language is Spanish but I know English almost as well. 

Right now I'm in summer and doing absolutely nothing with my life except for obsessing over Youtubers and tumblring about it. Yep. That's the life. 

I'm going to start the eleventh grade in August which is slightly terrifying. 

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I'm an aspiring writer, which would explain why I'm making this. 

I've always wanted to tell my story on a novel or something because one of my biggest dreams is to help and inspire others. But I am impatient and frankly, I don't want to wait a whole novel later. 

Anyway, you might be wondering why I'm so special. I'm not really. But I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a few months ago and it's been very hard for me. I was a mess basically. A nervous, anxious, painful mess. And I thought my life was pretty bad. 

That was until I stumbled into the Fibro tag on tumblr and I realized how much worse others have it. 

Now, one of the things you hear the most when you have this condition is "Others have it way worse than you" and "You shouldn't complain, at least you don't have cancer!" to the point where you start to loath those people because.. what makes their problems so much more important than yours? The logical answer that most people seem not to get is that problems, as well as pain, are subjective. You will never know what another person is feeling because you are not in their brains to feel it for yourself. 

Which is where sympathy and empathy get mix-y and confusing and all that. 

But the point is, when you hear about other people with the same condition as you, all you want to do is run to them, hug them real tight and tell them they're not alone. Because you're not. No matter how much you feel it.

So this is blog is my own virtual hug to everyone out there who's suffering from this or another condition or just feel confused and alone. 

I don't know. I want to help people and I think I'm pretty good at giving advice. 

And heck, maybe I'm just talking to myself here. But it feels good to at least try and vent about all this. 

So, hopefully you'll stick around with me through this twisted, unfinished  roller-coaster called life.

xoxo, 

- Merzy