Top Youtubers That Have Changed My Life:

As some of you know, I have a very obsessive personality. When I start liking something I don't just like it, I become obsess with it. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you how annoying it actually is. But whatever. The point is, for so long books, movies and tv shows are what helps me escape my everyday life and constant stress (and I'll talk about them another day), but now it's Youtubers. These people not only make me laugh, but they've also changed my life is different ways:

• Marzia Bisognin (Cutiepiemarzia): 

Marzia made me realize that you don't have to dress like everyone else. She made me come to terms with my own style and what I want to portray about myself through my clothes. She was also the first youtuber/fashion guru I subscribed to and she introduced me to the world in a way.

•  Kalel Cullen (WonderlandWardrobe): 

Kalel was the second beauty guru I subscribe to. She made me realize that it's okay to have different styles and mix it up sometimes. She also taught me that a girl can like anime, pokemon and superheroes and still be 'girly'. I love her and it makes me super upset how much hate she gets for her past. It frustrates me because she's such an amazing person and I'll always admire her.

• Felix Kjellberg (Pewdiepie): 

"Ha-ha-how's it going bros?" Pewdiepie is definitely the source of my laughter. I find him hilarious and I will forever be proud of being part of the ever-growing bro army. If you didn't know this amazing person is the most subscribe channel on Youtube and it could not go to a better guy! Felix taught me that it's okay to just be yourself and not take things too seriously.

• Dan & Phil (danisnotonfire & amazingphil): 

The reason I'm putting these two together is because they go together; you cannot have Dan without Phil or Phil without Dan. You just can't. Anyway, these two taught me that you are never alone, even if you feel you are, you never actually are. That you are not a failure just because you don't go to college or you're not super smart. They always make me smile when I'm having a bad day. 

• Hank & John Green (vlogbrothers): 

Hank and John Green not only help me pass my grades but they also teach me countless of life lessons. From John's deep philosophical "meaning of life" speeches to Hank's analytically "The universe is bigger than you" videos,  The Vlogbrothers help me get over SO many huge moments in my life and I am forever grateful to them for that. They've taught me so many things, I cannot even begin to explain. 

And Finally... 

• Carrie Hope Fletcher (Itswaypastmybedtime): 

 Carrie Hope Fletcher is definitely the one youtuber that has left the most impact in my life. Because of her, I started this blog. She taught me that you can be nice without expecting anything in return, that people like that still exist. When I'm feeling down about myself, I go to her videos to remind myself that there are people like Carrie in this world. Most, if not all, of the hope I have now is because of her. I'm forever grateful for that.  

xoxo,

- Merzy

My jumbled up thoughts:

There are moments, like any other, where you feel alone and scared. When you feel numb and like your floating in mid air and no one bothers to catch you. 

Sometimes there is no reason why. It just comes and goes like the rain here. One second it could be sunny and the next it's raining a hurricane. It doesn't make any sense.

I don't know how to feel half the time. Sometimes I'm happy and okay and other times I'm not. And I try to figure out why but I just... don't know. 

There are moments where I'm supposed to be sad or worried but I'm not... I don't feel anything. Or I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel.

Life is so much pressure. 

Everyone expects so much out of you. 

No wonder everyone doesn't know who they are; they're being buried alive by the sea of people telling them what they should and shouldn't be. 

Don't you ever feel invisible? Like in the middle of a crowd but no one can see you? 

That's how I feel sometimes.

Other times though, I'm happy with my friends. I'm positive and I believe there's good in the world. And I wish I could be that way all the time; the person with so much hope and wonder of the world. 

But sometimes... I'm not.

I'm sad for no apparent reason and it frustrates me. I want to be able to control how I feel...

But then... I wouldn't be human, would I?

Feelings, emotions, confusion, frustration, hope, awe, love; all of the things that makes us human. 

I honestly don't even know where this is going anymore. I'm sorry. 

"My thoughs are like stars I can't fathom into constellations."

- Merzy